You Deserve to be Saved
by Aini NuFire
Summary: It's gonna take a team effort to convince Cas he deserves to be saved. Post 11x14 fix-it


**A/N:** **I am really enjoying watching Misha play Lucifer, but CAS! I need fix-it feels so bad. And I guess that, plus the fact I'm going to miss Balthazar when my other fic, Watch Over Me, finishes next week, led the muse to write this one shot.**

* * *

You Deserve to be Saved

" _Cas_. Wake up."

He ignored the prodding, weary of Lucifer's taunts and torments.

The presence snorted. "Bitch, please, do I look like that dick?"

Frowning, Castiel cracked his eyes open, and jolted to find himself standing in a vast, blank landscape. Smooth, opaline glass stretched further than he could see under a hazy sky of gray-silver. He turned in a slow circle. Where was he? And where was Lucifer?

"Eh, think of this place as a sort of in-between," the eerily familiar voice said.

Castiel whipped his head to the side and suddenly he wasn't alone.

Gabriel waggled his brows at him. "Hey, bro."

Castiel stiffened. Even for Lucifer, this was a whole new method of torture. "Go away."

"Well ex-cuuse me," Gabriel's apparition huffed. "And here I thought you might have appreciated a respite from our dear big brother. Sharing head space with him has gotta be unpleasant."

"You're not real. Just a figment planted in my mind, like with Metatron." Castiel turned his back on the archangel. He wanted to go back to oblivion, to numbness, to wait out the last of his miserable existence until Lucifer defeated the Darkness and the Winchesters then defeated him.

Gabriel cleared his throat awkwardly. "Look, Cas, I am actually here. And Lucifer's not." He gestured to the odd vista. "Like I said, we're sorta in-between—in-between life and death, as it were."

"Are you trying to say I'm dying?" There was a lot he hadn't fully considered when he'd first said yes to Lucifer, but he'd had time since, and the possibility of the archangel burning him out had occurred to him. He didn't know whether that would be a good thing or not.

"Erm, yes and no."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Even as a hallucination, you're annoying."

"Hey!" Gabriel exclaimed in mock outrage. "I'm trying to explain here." A muscle in the archangel's jaw ticked, and he shifted as though uncomfortable. "Dad sends his love. And me."

Castiel shook his head and started walking away. Whether this was a trick from Lucifer, or his own screwed up mind tormenting him, Castiel didn't want to listen.

Gabriel jogged to catch up. "I know it sounds crazy, but it's true."

"No, it sounds ludicrous," Castiel retorted. "God doesn't care about any of us."

Gabriel winced. "I'm not disagreeing that he could've handled things better…"

Castiel shook his head sharply, trying to shake away this annoying vision. The landscape never changed as he stormed across the prismatic surface, no escape in sight. He came to an abrupt stop and whirled on Gabriel. "What do you want?"

"To _help_." The archangel held up his palms placatingly. "Look, I've been dead. Blissfully nonexistent for the past few years. Then Dad wakes me up to tell me the _Darkness_ is running around. _Not_ the homecoming I was hoping for." He pointedly jabbed a finger at Castiel. "Then there's the extra kicker— _you_ playing host to our demented brother."

Castiel stiffened defensively. "He's the only one who can defeat the Darkness."

"Oh, puhleeze! I'm dead for a few years and suddenly everyone's forgotten about me? I was there too, you know!"

Castiel frowned. "Yes, but…you _are_ dead."

Gabriel shrugged one shoulder. "Like I said, not anymore. Dad decided Lucifer needed some help, so here I am."

Castiel squinted as he tried to parse out whether there was a chance any of this could be true, or if he'd truly lost his mind. "Then…what are you doing _here_? Talking to me?"

Gabriel's eyes softened. "Dad gave me a two-part mission: defeat the Darkness again…and save you."

Castiel quirked a disbelieving brow, once more suspecting this was all an illusion. "Really?" he asked scornfully.

Gabriel's expression darkened with almost uncharacteristic sympathy. "Yeah," he replied, voice turning rough with emotion. "Dad gave me the run-down on things since I've been gone. Gotta say, it kinda makes the Apocalypse days look like peewee baseball."

Castiel's jaw clenched. "Then you know I'm the one who caused most of the damage."

Gabriel barked out a laugh. "You had your moments, sure. Though, to be fair, those Winchesters aren't exactly innocent in their role."

"They didn't know removing the Mark would unleash the Darkness."

Gabriel rolled his eyes dramatically. "That's a whole other can o' worms. I was talking about their influence on you and the decisions you made."

"Sam and Dean had nothing to do with—"

"No?" a new, accented voice interrupted. "I beg to differ."

Castiel went rigid, and slowly turned his head to find Balthazar standing to his left, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut; how could he have let himself hope this whole thing might have been real? But it was just his ghosts coming back to haunt him.

Gabriel let out a long-suffering sigh. "I told you to wait until I'd eased him into it."

Balthazar snorted. "He wasn't listening, and we don't have time."

Because he was dying? Would Castiel finally be able to die right, finally be free from his guilt and shame? He tipped his head back and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to block out the apparitions.

A hand settled on his shoulder, followed by a soft voice. "Castiel."

He shook his head, hot moisture burning at the corners of his eyes, and a sob lodged in his throat. "Hannah."

"Look at me," she prompted gently.

He did so, only because he wished to banish the last memory he had of her, wings burned into the ground. She stood before him in a visage of the first vessel she had taken when she fell to earth.

Smiling sadly, she moved her hand up to cup his face. "I'm sorry."

Castiel looked away, gaze finding Balthazar's. His chest constricted. "Angels have always hurt each other." Castiel had done worse to his brothers and sisters; what Hannah did to him was no less than he deserved.

Balthazar's eyes were stormy orbs as he gazed back. "I gave everything to you. You asked, and I fought by your side. You only ever had my loyalty." He hesitated. "And love."

Castiel nodded, his stomach a sick, hollow pit. "I have many regrets. Many sins. None so great as what I did to you."

Balthazar regarded him for a long moment, the others watching in uncomfortable silence. "I should be mad at you," Balthazar finally spoke. "But I think you've suffered enough since then."

Castiel shook his head. "It will never be enough."

Gabriel huffed in exasperation. "I can't believe defeating the Darkness is going to be the easy part of this mission."

"What do you want of me?" Castiel asked wearily. He might as well play along; what else could he do?

Gabriel's eyes steeled with angelic purpose. "It took all four archangels to defeat Amara. Now, we're still down two, so Dad's brought in some of the B-team—no offense, guys."

Balthazar glowered at him.

"That includes you, Cas," Gabriel went on. "We're gonna need you to fight with us on this one."

"Fine."

"Erm, nope, not good enough."

Castiel furrowed his brow. "What more do you want from me?" he nearly snapped, anger rising within him. He had _nothing_ left.

Gabriel folded his arms across his chest. "How about you giving a rat's ass whether you survive or not?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I told you, part two of why Dad brought us back. You don't think his star choices here are coincidence, do you?" Gabriel gestured to Balthazar and Hannah.

Castiel reached both hands up to rub his face. He wanted out of this vision, now. "They are the best witnesses against me, to judge me for my sins."

"Or the best ones to extend forgiveness." Gabriel arched a brow pointedly at the other two angels.

"Castiel," Hannah said gently, pulling his hands down and squeezing them. "I was wrong. It is not I who should be granting forgiveness, but asking for it."

"Stop it," he growled. Why were they saying these things? "Heaven hates me, remember?"

She nodded sadly. "They're wrong, too."

Maybe he was on the verge of death after all. Maybe he was finally being granted absolution and would find peace.

"Cas," Balthazar spoke up awkwardly. "I do forgive you."

Castiel closed his eyes again, basking in the words, even if it was his own imagination. Conjured or not, he'd spent the last several years doing penance just for the chance to hear them.

"Cas," Gabriel said next. "I'm serious that Dad wants you to survive this. We've got the power now to defeat the Darkness; it will happen. But you gotta fight to come out the other side."

" _Why_?" his voice broke. Why would his punishment be extended if he'd truly been granted forgiveness?

Gabriel stepped forward and clapped a hand on Castiel's shoulder, gaze piercing down into his core. "Because you deserve to be saved."

He started to shake his head again, but Hannah clasped the sides of his face, stilling his protest. "Please, Castiel."

His body shuddered, torn between breaking down into grateful sobs and violently resisting. "I…there's nothing out there for me."

Gabriel cocked his head with his characteristic grin. "I promise you there will be. But you have to _fight_."

Castiel wavered. He wanted to believe. Oh, how his heart yearned to be wrapped in the welcoming embrace of family. And…if Gabriel, Balthazar, and Hannah were truly resurrected, had truly forgiven him, he could have a home again.

He managed a shaky nod. "Alright. I will do as you ask."

Gabriel clapped his hands together. "Attaboy! Now, there's just a couple more players to wait on…ah, here they are."

Castiel craned a glance over his shoulder, mouth parting in disbelief. He recognized Gadreel, but there was also… "Anna?"

"Castiel," the red-headed angel nodded meekly. "It's been a long time."

"Anna…" He staggered forward a step. "Do you forgive me? I doubted too late, waited too long—"

She shook her head. "No, Castiel, I'm not here to forgive you."

His heart fell. Of course.

"I'm here to earn my own redemption."

He whipped his gaze back up at that, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Like you, I rebelled for the right reasons," she explained. "But then I strayed when I tried to kill Sam Winchester. Father offered me a chance to fix it."

Castiel couldn't help but let out a soft snort. "Then you should do it without me. My 'fixing' things always makes them worse."

Gabriel smacked the back of his head, startling him. "Knock it off already."

Castiel glowered at the Trickster, but then turned to Gadreel. "Brother, you've already redeemed yourself."

The stoic angel nodded. "So Father has told me, for which I am humbled and grateful. But I am here for you, Castiel. You showed me courtesy and respect when no one else did, and it grieves me what has happened to you." He moved forward and clasped Castiel's forearm. "I would see you saved, brother."

The lump in Castiel's throat grew tighter. It was almost too much to bear, too overwhelming, and he didn't know how he was supposed to muster the strength to fight in an epic battle against the Darkness. But he would try, because his friends, his family, wanted him to.

"Great!" Gabriel exclaimed, and raised a hand, thumb and forefinger poised. "It's showtime."

Castiel didn't have a chance to ask what the plan was before the archangel snapped his fingers, and he was slammed back into the oppressive confines of his vessel where Lucifer had sequestered him. He felt the Devil's consciousness stir, mildly distracted by Castiel's jarring wakening, but he was focused on something else. Through layers of gray haze, Castiel caught a glimpse of Lucifer staring down Amara.

"Not your best plan," the Darkness was saying. She turned her head to look at something to the side. "And you, Dean, you disappoint me."

Dean was there? Castiel wriggled inside his vessel, trying to see if the Winchester was okay. Lucifer swatted him down like an irritant gnat while still focusing on Amara. There was a ring of scorched earth around her, as though maybe she'd been trapped in a ring of holy fire. Castiel tried to stretch his senses. Where was Gabriel? And Balthazar and Anna? Had…had it all been a cruel dream?

Lucifer was speaking, but Castiel couldn't distinguish the words as he curled his grace into a tight ball. _Kill her, you have to kill her_.

A tendril of grace whispered past him. _"Get ready."_

Castiel would have thought he was still hallucinating if Lucifer hadn't gone rigid at the same time, the Devil's gaze suddenly sharpening inward.

 _"Hey, bro,"_ echoed Gabriel's cheeky tone. _"Need some help?"_

 _"Gabriel."_

Castiel couldn't tell if Lucifer was enraged or stunned stupid. He felt the essences of several angelic beings wrap around him and push outward.

 _"Just go with it,"_ Gabriel told Lucifer. _"Tell Aunty Amara, Dad says hi."_

Lucifer snarled, but nevertheless entwined his grace with his brother's. Castiel felt radiant heat swell within the vessel, celestial light pouring out of Jimmy's eyes and spilling over the forest.

"What is this?" Amara said, sounding uncertain.

Castiel had very little, but he pushed his grace forward as well, letting the archangels direct the charge as a burst of energy shot out to spear the Darkness. She threw her head back with a horrendous scream that shook the trees and rattled Castiel's bones. He felt his grace fracture, excruciating pressure threatening to rip him apart.

 _"Fight, you bloody moron!"_

Castiel gritted his teeth and reached out to grasp onto Balthazar. He wanted to apologize again, to say he didn't deserve the angel's forgiveness. But that was too much like giving up, and he'd promised he wouldn't.

The supernova increased, and Castiel hoped Dean was running away from it, that he wouldn't be harmed. That was as far as his thoughts went before blinding pain ripped through him, almost shaking him loose. He wanted the pain to stop, to just end it all, yet he still held on, even to the point where he started to forget why it was important for him to do so.

And then it did stop. Everything—the pain, vibrations, sensation. Castiel floated in a dark abyss, his grace flayed and exhausted. He felt himself sinking down, growing heavier, until he settled on a cool, hard surface, and in the next blink he was back in that opalescent sphere.

Gabriel knelt on one knee next to him. "Good job, bro."

Castiel squinted. "Where is everyone? Were they…?" He couldn't bear it if even one had died for him.

"They're fine. They completed their mission."

"Oh." Castiel roved his gaze around what he could see lying down. "Then, I'm not dead?"

Gabriel grinned. "Nah. Just needed another in-between moment to chat before you go back to earth."

Castiel furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?" His chest hitched. "I'm…not going back to Heaven with you?"

Gabriel gave him a sad smile. "No. Because unlike you, the lot of us are dead."

Castiel jerked upright, vision whiting out for a moment. "But you said—"

Gabriel grabbed his shoulders to hold him upright. "Easy, kiddo. You see, we weren't brought back to go on with our lives. But, before you give yourself a coronary, Dad is rewarding us with a little Heaven just for us. Except for Lucifer, of course; he's dead-dead."

Castiel's mind reeled. Was all this real? Or was it all one elaborate illusion? "You…you said you'd be there, that I'd have…" If this was, in fact, real, it was the cruelest trick of all. Castiel swallowed hard. "So I'm still being punished. I won't be welcome into your heaven with you."

Gabriel sighed, sinking down to fully sit on the ground next to him. "I said you'd have something for you on the outside, and I wasn't lying. Remember Sasquatch and the epitome of codependency?"

Castiel dropped his gaze to his lap. "I'm of no use to them anymore. Even alive, my grace is not…I'm not…"

"You're all idiots."

Castiel blinked in bewilderment.

Gabriel grabbed his shoulders again, digging his fingers into bone. "You. Deserve. To. Be. Saved. It's not about usefulness; it never was. And I would kick some Winchester ass for them ever letting you believe that, if I weren't sure they've already learned their lesson."

Castiel frowned, eliciting another exasperated sigh from his brother.

"Cas, you've trusted me this far, right?"

He nodded warily. Yes, he had. Though, he still might be trapped in a dream.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "What am I gonna do with you?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly.

"That was a rhetorical question." Gabriel pushed himself to his feet, now looming over Castiel. "Listen, when it's your time, Dad has assured me that you'll have the choice to join us in whatever this special paradise he's prepared for us is. Doubt it'll have some of the more carnal perks, though…"

Castiel shook his head.

"But that's hopefully a long time off," Gabriel continued, unabashed. He held his hand out to help Castiel up.

Castiel regarded it for a long moment, wondering what accepting it would mean—and if he was ready.

"Hey," Gabriel said. "I'll be checking in on you from time to time."

"But you're dead."

He waggled his brows. "But I am the Trickster." With that, he clasped Castiel's hand and yanked him up into a vortex of wind and shadow. It only lasted a second, and Castiel felt even heavier than before. It was dark, and everything seemed muffled, but a pair of frantic voices began filtering through.

"Don't do this, Cas. Dammit, wake up!"

"Dean, you saw that…that light get ripped out."

"And I saw part of it go back in."

Something tugged at his shoulder.

"What…what if it was Lucifer?"

"It wasn't."

"But—"

"It wasn't, Sam!" The voice cracked. "It _can't_ have been. Not after everything."

Castiel felt his body jostle as someone pulled him into their arms.

"Come on, Cas. You stupid son-of-a-bitch."

His chest constricted, and Castiel almost didn't want to face the fallout of what his actions had wrought. He'd rather hide, rather go back to that peaceful dreamscape of glass and fog. But he forced himself to surface, if only to reassure the brothers that they were safe, that Lucifer was gone. Castiel owed them that much.

He pried his eyes open to fuzzy colors: blues and brown, and a patch of green. The hunter-green jacket took on crisp edges first, followed by limbs Castiel realized were holding him up against the person wearing the coat.

Dean sucked in a sharp breath, and tightened his grip. They were in the middle of a forest, towering pines arching in a singed crown above their heads.

Sam scooted into his field of vision, face pinched with worry and trepidation. "Cas?" he asked tentatively.

Castiel opened his mouth to answer, only to find his throat too raw to get the words out. After swallowing a few times, he managed to rasp, "It's me. Lucifer…is gone. For good."

Sam didn't look certain, and Castiel's heart ached at the memory of Lucifer shoving a fist into Sam's soul while wearing Castiel's face.

"I'm sorry," he continued, voice hoarse. "I don't know…how to prove it."

"You don't have to," Dean finally spoke up since Castiel had opened his eyes. The expected behavior was for them to push away from each other now that he was awake, though Castiel didn't quite have the energy to lift himself up. Dean didn't seem to care about personal space issues at the moment, though.

"God, Cas," Dean uttered. "Don't you ever do that again."

Castiel suppressed a sigh, bitterness creeping into his heart. Of course Dean would be furious with him. Now Castiel wanted to get up, to put as much distance as possible between himself and the constant reminders of his mistakes. But he couldn't make his limbs work.

"We needed Lucifer to defeat the Darkness," he ground out.

"But that's not why you did it," Dean argued.

Castiel frowned. "Of course it was."

"You did it to be useful," Sam said, and shook his head in something like disappointment and dismay. "To 'be of service.' That's what you told me, remember?"

Castiel glanced between them. "I don't understand your point."

"Our point," Dean said tightly, "is you let Lucifer wear you to prom to, what, prove something? That you're not useless?"

"I am useless, Dean," Castiel muttered. He tried lifting his head to sit up, but dizziness washed over him, and he collapsed backward into the crook of Dean's elbow. Dean readjusted his hold, pulling Castiel closer against him. "See?" Castiel mumbled. He wasn't sure his grace would even recover from this ordeal.

"And you think that mattered more to us than _you_?" Dean snorted incredulously.

"I…" Castiel faltered. "It's always mattered."

Sam's eyes wavered sadly as he gazed down at Castiel. "How long have you felt this way, Cas?"

"My grace hasn't been the same since Metatron took it and cast out the angels, but even before—"

"No, how long have you felt we only value you for your usefulness?"

Castiel quirked a confused look at them. "I…help. That's what you always call me for. And when I wasn't an angel, you wanted me far away."

"Shit, Cas, I told you that was Gadreel," Dean interrupted.

Sam held up a hand to cut off his brother. "What about being family?"

Castiel felt the urge to get up again, to get away from their prying eyes. "There was a time, I thought…maybe…"

Dean and Sam exchanged stricken looks.

"I wanted to help you, regardless" Castiel barreled on. "I've always wanted to help you—"

Dean's arms shifted abruptly, and for a second Castiel thought the hunter was going to throw him back on the ground. But instead he was hauled upright and crushed against Dean's chest.

"You have _always_ been family, Cas," Dean breathed into his ear. "Dammit, if I'd known you felt this way…"

Castiel's chest hitched. "If you'd known…?"

"I would've told you you're an idiot," Dean growled.

Castiel sagged in disappointment. "That's what Gabriel said."

Dean pulled back abruptly. "What?"

"God brought him back to help defeat the Darkness," Castiel explained, swaying slightly. Sam scooted closer to brace one shoulder while Dean supported his other side.

Dean's brows rose sharply. "Wait, so those extra specters I saw…they were other angels?"

"I suppose, though I wasn't quite seeing it from your perspective."

"Where is the dickbag now?"

"Angel heaven. God made it special for those who were temporarily brought back to help."

"Nice of him," Dean muttered. "Who else was on the comeback tour?"

"Balthazar, Hannah, Gadreel," Castiel replied, a pang tightening his chest. He missed them already.

"Uh, interesting cast."

"Cas," Sam prompted. "What else did Gabriel say?"

Castiel furrowed his brow. "The Darkness is defeated, and Lucifer is dead for good. Gabriel and the others have been given peace in a special heaven for angels. I…I wasn't asked to join them."

Dean huffed. "I should hope not." He snorted at Castiel's despondent expression. "That'd mean you'd be _dead_ , Cas."

Considering how much his grace and vessel ached, he figured death would have been kinder.

"Gabriel also said…" Castiel swallowed hard, strangely hesitant to say it out loud, and wondering why he was even bringing it up. "That I deserved to be saved."

The Winchesters exchanged an unreadable look before both took his arms and squeezed.

"You do, Cas," Sam said. "You've always deserved it."

"Hey." Dean reached up to clasp the sides of his head, directing Castiel's gaze to his. "And I'm gonna spend however long it takes to convince you of that."

"We both will," Sam pressed.

"That's…not necessary," Castiel replied.

Dean shook his head. "It is, Cas. Given what's happened recently…given how we got to this place, it is."

"I'm not blaming you," he said hurriedly.

Dean smiled sadly. "You never do."

"Look," Sam said. "The world is safe for now. There's no big crisis, no ancient evil running amok. I think it's time we fixed things closer to home."

"I agree," Dean added, and then he was maneuvering himself up and hauling Castiel to his feet as well. The angel staggered between the brothers, but both were quick to hold him up. Dean patted him on the back. "Let's get you home."

 _Home_. Not Heaven. Not an isolated paradise set aside for special angels. But a bunker in Kansas with two humans who'd been broken as many times as he had, yet always managed to pick themselves up again. Maybe, just maybe, they could help Castiel do the same.


End file.
